Overdue Apology

It had been months since the pale form of Heshima had received her scar, marking her a prisoner of the tyrant king. She had given up her two sons to be in his good graces and yet, she still had hyenas following her. The violet eyed lioness was miserable, her remaining three children usually only saw their mother at bed time and it killed Heshima to know that she couldn't run with her children or start any form of training. For once in the longest time, Heshima's babysitters were the younger hyenas who had nothing better than to converse among themselves, leaving Heshima to a wide gap between the two species. They still followed her and threatened her when she took one step too far from Pride Rock, but at least they gave her breathing room. There wasn't much for Heshima to do these days, lounging around reminded her too much of Giza's laziness when she was around, and running caught too much attention from the hyenas. She only wished that her cubs were having more fun than her.

Heshima had made sure to delegate a section of her food to Kifu, trying to show some defiance against the king where she had almost no intention of talking to again. Scar didn't seem to care for his small and lanky son, but with the extra food he seemed to be getting healthier as the days went on. He would never be as big as his half-brothers that Heshima gave away would be, but he would still grow to be full sized. Ari seemed to be the only cub of Scar in his list of who not to annoy and it almost pained her to see her daughter off with the scum of a father that she had. Heshima had realized that it was because Ari looked so much like Uru, the deceased queen of the Pridelands and her paternal grandmother. Would Scar have been more pleased in his cubs and Heshima if they all had the same hue as Ari, and not just the similar eyes, nose, and tail? Would Scar had treated Heshima better than just accepting her as part of the royal family? Was there a possibility that she could have been queen? No, ridiculous, Heshima was too sensitive to be queen, and besides, Scar already had his eyes on Zira when Heshima had given birth.

But then, there lay Tasa, Heshima's almost carbon copy who had witnessed the scarring of her mother. It pained the mother of now six to remember the day, she should have kept her mouth shut, not mentioned a word about Mufasa's name in the presence of anyone. But she had played the final card and Scar had won the game, Heshima was stuck and now had the wound to show it. Heshima's daughter seemed to be distant from the pride, for she was the last one who saw Giza before her disappearance. There was no doubt that her little girl blamed herself for the loss of her sister. But Heshima had a gut feeling that Giza was still out there somewhere, but maybe it was her hormones talking. The pale lioness wished that she could apologize to Giza for not having been there more often, apologize to her for not coming to save her, apologize for the father that she had. But she couldn't, and as Heshima lay in the shadows of Pride Rock, something kept wanting to tell her that she would never get her chance.

If Heshima thought her cubs were having more fun than her, she was sadly mistaken. The past months had been horrible on Tasa. All affections for her father, or drive to prove herself to him had been destroyed when she realized she was of no use to him, let alone care. Had she been the cub left trapped on the boarders of the Pridelands, Tasa had no reason to feel his reaction would’ve been anything different. The only time she had spent with her father since was in passing, and if he wasn’t ignoring her completely, he was reminding her how Giza’s loss was her fault, whether in words or mere pointed look. He didn’t keep her from wandering from Pride rock, didn’t care when she didn’t show up for dinner or any other pride gatherings. She was as good as disowned, and that fact would’ve hurt her more if the sentiment wasn’t mutual. Still, it tore her up inside. Her father, her king, though so little of her to disregard her existence completely.

So in the moments the growing cub was not sending her father icy glares, Tasa took time with her remaining siblings. But as much as her affections were in the right place, her patience was incredibly thin. She still disliked Kifu for being a boy, and a pathetic one at that, and incredibly gullible. Bossing him around or tricking him into things no longer amused her -- it reminded her too much of Giza. She had grown closer to Ari, but her sweet, blind innocence was frustrating, almost as much as the fact that Scar still noticed Ari, still cast her kind looks -- or as kind as the tyrant king could get. When her patience would wane and annoyance grow overwhelming, Tasa would wander off on her own. She practiced her hunting skills on her own, her mother unable to teach her and the rest of the lionesses too busy either hunting -- or getting banished. She had proved very talented at it, if she did say so herself, despite her smaller size. Sometimes she thought her father had noticed her training in pride, but then it would seem he had just been glancing at something else that happened to be in her direction.

So all in all, Tasa wasn’t fairing well. Her mood was foul, her emotions either wild or painfully numb, and blame for all the pride’s troubles being recklessly cast on everyone else, while secretly being harbored inside her own small form. Her mother wasn’t helping matters, stuck to Pride Rock as she was, and Tasa had little desire to actually spend time with her mother anyway. While it was true her mother had shown her affection and care for her troublesome daughter, something Tasa always thought she lacked, she also proved her attempts at action were in vain. Heshima was weak, emotionally torn herself though Tasa couldn’t see it, and the cub liked to blame her mother for her troubles as well. While she began harboring hate for her father for not helping Giza, negativity had further bloomed for her mother when it was clear she could do nothing to defy their King, even if she wanted to.

So when Tasa noticed her mother slowly moving to lay in the shadows nearby, Tasa frowned. The cub was lying beneath a pathetic tree, sourly watching the other lions while her mind wandered. She had began to dwell on dangerous thoughts. Ideas such as -- what if someone else was king? What if she left for good? What if they ran out of food or water, as they seemed near to? What if others were as fed up with her father? What if they decided he was unfit to be king any longer? Her thoughts halted at the sight of her mother, almost expecting a reprimand for them. Then Tasa wondered if something had happened and spoke her thoughts; “Come to blame me for something I didn’t do?” Tasa said in a low, cold voice.

She had been, (still was) a troublesome cub. And while she never liked being blamed for things, even those that she did do, Tasa had more than once had other’s blame thrust upon her from simple assumption. While it tended to be a safe assumption, Tasa still couldn’t stand it, and it had been one of the reasons at a young age she had been convinced her mother didn’t like her. She was a handful, she caused trouble and enjoyed it, but that didn’t mean that any trouble her siblings got into was her fault. Assumptions like that tore at Tasa, no matter how founded. The cub watched her mother through bright green eyes, burning with inner turmoil, noting her healing scar. “Suiting, don’t you think?” She said bitterly, speaking thoughts previously held back. “Who do you think he’ll scar next? Kifu? Me? Never Ari though, probably... but a matched set would be better, wouldn’t it?” Tasa honestly didn’t know exactly what she was saying, only that she was angry. Angry, and regretful and depressed, but the latter two were weak emotions, and Tasa had learned weakness did not do anyone any good in this pride.

As the hot African sun blazed down upon the Pridelands the shadows moved from where Heshima was laying to the other side of the den. And when the shadows moved, that was when Heshima moved. One of the hyenas noticed her movements and sighed, following her at a distance. This hyena was Kuvuka, the large brute who Heshima had given her two sons to. But the lioness was stopped short by her daughter's growls and accusations. The pale female snapped at her daughter, "Do not talk to me like that Tasa, I am your mother," She narrowed her eyes at the almost clone of herself laying down on the ground. Even for such a little kid, Tasa had a large mouth and one day it could get her killed. But as Heshima thought about it, her little girl wasn't just a little cub anymore. They were quickly nearing the age for the start of adolescence and that scared the mother of six easily. Her two boys, Kiasi and Makosa, she didn't care about them, she would rather they would go off and die to be honest. She wasn't their mother, she only gave birth to them. The violet-eyed female sighed and softened her eyes though, she couldn't stay mad at her own flesh and blood for long. Even if these were the children of a tyrant, she wasn't going to allow them to fly too far away from her. That was how she lost Giza, because she hadn't payed too much attention to her daughter. And now, Heshima was paying the price.

But then, Tasa said something about her mother's scar and how it was "fitting". It was only fate that Scar had given Heshima the scar on her muzzle and nose, how it seemingly made the two connected in a way. In a way, both lions received their scars from disobedience it seemed, although Heshima didn't know any better. The female scowled at the thought of Tasa's rant, how Scar might try to "connect" more of his children with scars. "He will not be scarring any of you Tasa, I will make sure of that. The day he does is the day that I attack him, the day he will exile me, the day you and your siblings will escape this place with me. And if he does give one of you a scar?" Heshima paused and unsheathed her claws, noticing how sharp they had gotten in the past couple of months, "I'll give him a matching one, even if it makes him go blind." The female growled and narrowed her eyes at the ground, snarling at the thought of Scar. "Look Tasa, this scar has taught me one thing and one thing only. I'm too sensitive, too naive, too submissive for this world out here. And if I wasn't, then Giza would still be here," But would she really? If Heshima hadn't been as submissive as she was when Scar mated her would she still have her children? Or would she have found love somewhere else? Either or, Heshima was done with the lies, done with the pain, she was done with everything and now it was time for Tasa to know.

"I'm done with him Tasa, your father is now only just the lion that keeps me from getting killed. He is not my king, a king wouldn't scar the mother of his cubs. A king wouldn't stay behind as his cub lays scared outside of the borders calling for help. A king wouldn't just sit there and do nothing as he does." Heshima still felt as if Giza was still alive, it was her motherly instinct that kept telling her to do so; to fight another day. Before Tasa could blame her mother of anything surrounding Giza, Heshima took the fall. "This scar? It's also taught me that it's my fault Giza isn't here with us, but I can tell, a mother can tell when a cub's still alive. Trust me Tasa, everyone thinks your younger siblings are dead, but alas, I know that they're still alive," Heshima relayed this information to her daughter in a whisper. Everyone was told that the cubs had died due to Heshima not receiving enough food, but they still found it odd when the mother showed no emotions as the hyenas took her children away. She said she was glad because no Kuzimu spawn could run the earth, but she was sad that Scar hadn't killed them and not taken Heshima's plan and placed it into action. Yes it was all politics, but was it really worth it? Had Heshima been corrupted by Scar and came up with this devious plan on her own just to get into his good graces? But then, she still had the hyenas on her tail? Nothing made sense anymore, and Heshima was getting annoyed.

The pale mother of six now lay next to her daughter, in the shadow of the lanky tree that still stayed even though the sun had moved. Heshima sighed and looked into her daughter's bright jade eyes, "Look Tasa, I came to apologize to you, about everything. It will take a while for me to get my story out to you, but hopefully you'll understand. I love you and your siblings, that is no lie, and you're right in assuming that I do love one cub more than the others. But my darling, you've been blind to see that said cub? It's you," Heshima waited for those words to sink in as she placed her head in between her paws, she loved Tasa slightly more than the rest of her children because she saw so much of herself in her. Not in her personality, she was too rambunctious and outspoken for that. Nor in her appearance as the obvious reason why a mother might see more in a cub. It was because deep inside, she saw a shy cub that has been pushed back by the dominant side of Tasa, of her having to grow up fast and not enjoy her cub-years of life. It pained the violet-eyed female to see her daughter like this, for deep inside she knew that her daughter held another side to her. One that she desperately wanted to release. But the Pridelands as of late were not the place to do that. Oh what had the world come to? The herds were gone, the water was gone, everything was gone. And in that moment, would Scar even have the smarts to move the pride? Or would they be stuck here to live and starve themselves to death?

Tasa started at the sudden harshness in her mother’s voice, but was unmoved by the reprimand. “And I am your daughter.” She replied dryly, showing that she cared little for the implications of respect that came with mere status. King, queen, mother, father, majordomo -- Tasa had decided respect and trust had to be proven and earned, something few lions had gained in Tasa’s eyes. While her mother had shown a new side of her before, one that Tasa could admire, her feelings for her mother were still strained. Truly, she did love and respect her mother. But Tasa was far too torn with recent events for it to be a consistent thing. The cub was confused and conflicted, and as such, that made understanding and reciprocating anything difficult. Though she had yet to fully realize how her mouth could get her killed.

The cub was taken aback at her mother’s promise to attack and escape from the clutches of her king, the same one not long ago she seemed to believe could do no wrong. And you’re rebuking ME for disrespect? Tasa thought, though really could not blame Heshima. Tasa had long since been disillusioned at her father’s greatness. Still some part of her wanted to make him proud, wanted to make him see her worth despite her gender or color. But a large part of her wanted him to feel the pain she had when Giza had disappeared for good. The inadequacy and constant self-doubt of knowing the pride hated her for her mere blood and that her father thought her little better than dirt. The strain of being a part of a family that had so many cracks and fissures it was incredulous that they hadn’t all broken completely apart yet.

Tasa never realized that her father had indeed known and felt such things. Nor that such were some of the reasons Scar had turned into the lion he did. Without meaning to, the tyrant king of the Pridelands had set at least one of his children up on the same path as himself. The question became what would come of it.

At the mention of Heshima’s failings and Giza, Tasa scowled at the ground. “You couldn’t have made this decision before? While it still mattered? You really think Scar will let you leave?” He seemed to care little for the whereabouts for his children. But that didn’t help much when Tasa was still a cub, little more than vulture chow if she wanted to escape herself. And honestly, even if she could leave with her mother, Tasa felt the strain in their relationship would only make things worse for both of them and whoever joined them on their exodus. Not to mention she was still a young, weak lioness who already had the strain of two large pregnancies behind her. Tasa was doubtful any of them would last very long on their own. In a few months time, however, Tasa’s doubts would be put to the test.

As Heshima listed off every reason why Scar was not a true king, the cubs nodded slowly. “So why IS he king? Why has no one done anything about this? Why have you--” She asked, her tone torn in annoyance as well as desperation. But just as she was about to accuse her mother, she took the blame upon herself. Then she claimed Giza to be alive, which Tasa scoffed at. “Mother, I searched for Giza myself, there was no trace --” Well, it didn’t matter. Tasa had the same warm feeling within her that made her think her sister was still alive, simply out there somewhere, somehow able to survive the other lands even as a lone cub. So Tasa relented, giving into hope, as it seemed the only thing she had left now. But then the cub picked up on the plural use of siblings and Heshima’s sudden secretive tone.

Kifu and Ari were still alive and -- well, perhaps not well, but alive. She had no other siblings... except the half-siblings that had been growing inside Heshima’s womb in front of her eyes. The siblings she had scowled at and wished gone, the ones she had cast blame upon for further strain between their family and pride. If they had not started growing, perhaps Heshima would not have been confined to Pride Rock by hyenas, perhaps Scar would be less on edge, perhaps everyone would be better off. The same siblings that had said to have died before taking their first breath. How pathetic. Tasa could not bring herself to feel any sorrow towards them, hardly even pity. They were a nuisance before even seeing the light of day. She heard they had been two large boys, a further problem for Tasa. They would’ve been harder to push around and would have certainly gained the attention of her father, positive or otherwise. They would’ve eaten up resources already so limited, resources no one actually wanted them to have. She was glad they were gone, they wouldn’t be any trouble to her now.

Her mother appeared on edge at the topic, but Heshima had been far more frazzled and discontented the past few weeks anyway, so it was little surprise. “How do you know?” Tasa asked suspiciously, staring up at her mother through narrowed eyed. What had she done? “And why does it even matter? They’re no brothers of mine. I have no brothers.” The cub scowled, disowning Kifu as well. The more time she spent with her family, the more annoyed she had become at each of them, even Ari, though not always of faults of their own. Tasa did not like taking problems onto herself, and never thought herself the self-sacrificing kind, and could easily find flaws and annoyances with every creature she met -- even herself, though those were more difficult to acknowledge. While Heshima may be on edge, Tasa was walking a thin line, whichever side she fell to in the coming months having the power to determine her future. Her emotions were a large factor in this, and they only seemed explosive.

Tasa wasn’t expecting her mother to apologize, though she could have foreseen the declaration of love. The cub was both pleased and annoyed that she had been correct that her mother favoured one of her children above the rest. It was probably Ari, the sweet cub was the apple of both her parents eyes, and no Pridelander could hold any wrong against her. Or Kifu, as weak as he was he was still a boy, and in this patriarchy that meant more than being an all around better cub, as Tasa thought herself. Even Giza was probably liked more because she never got in anyone’s way. Tasa was a troublemaker from the day she was born. She was a handful with too much energy and a huge mouth with only a thin filter between it and her opinions. To Tasa, it was clear why others were considered better than her, even if she still liked to believe in the end she was the strongest, most capable of Scar’s cubs. Clever too, but the tawny cub allowed herself to believe Giza to be the cleverest of their family.

So when Heshima revealed that Tasa was her true favourite, her eyes widened. “W-Why?” She said first, before her surprise melted into annoyance, and she scowled at her mother. “Don’t lie to me to make me feel any better.” She had a hard time believing the idea, having never noticed such specialized attention or affection before. Despite the physical similarities (which she always figured were no good since previously Heshima had been so infatuated with Scar and the king was selfish enough to favour one with russet fur over her own pale body) Tasa saw very little reason for her mother to think of her in such a way. The cub was torn between and overall arrogance for herself and her abilities, and inferiorities that sent cracks throughout her self-confidence.

Tasa's blatant reply to her mother made Heshima growl slightly. The pale cub had always been a trouble-maker from birth, but the female had always found a connection between them; however unwanted it was. "Listen, with that attitude you'll end up like your father. And that's something that I don't want," More empty threats from the mother of six, it was almost a natural thing now a days. But at least to her daughter, Heshima was truthful in saying that she wanted nothing to do with that russet male. It was almost sickening to see her children's coats that color, and she found some solace in her daughter Tasa. But her patience was soon growing thin when Tasa snapped on her, on why she couldn't of made the decision that she was too naive earlier. Heshima shook her head and fired back, "Because I was too blind to see that your father doesn't want us!" The female closed her eyes and sighed, "You can see it more than me, he hates us, all of us except my little Ari. That is my daughter, he has no right to any sort of custody of her. But no, just because he's king and played with my emotions." Heshima was getting off topic and refocused, "It took me forever to see the pain I was putting you through, I played into your father's game, and right now he doesn't care whether we live or die. It didn't hit me until that moment, when it didn't matter anymore what I thought,"

Heshima scoffed at the thought of Scar letting her leave, "He'll never let me leave darling, I'll sneak us all out if I have to. I'll even get us exiled just to escape him. I just worry about what would happen out there, us as rogues. But I do know that I'll take us to the Lowlands, where my mother lived," Heshima wouldn't talk about how she had heard stories of an unclaimed kingdom, nor was she aware that her lost daughter was there as well, bearing a similar scar on the opposite side of her muzzle. Then came the question on why Scar was king, and Heshima remembered the day well, "You father was never supposed to be king, he only claimed the throne when his brother and nephew died. I was a cub back then, I remember the day well. My father died on that night, refusing Scar's rule. The hyenas killed him, just like they did my mother months later. No one's done anything because of that Tasa, if they defy your father, then he sends the hyenas to kill them. One lion against hundreds of hyenas? The results aren't pretty," Heshima didn't listen to Tasa saying that there was no trace of Giza anywhere after she searched, and she shook her head in denial. "A mother's instinct never lies Tasa, and if there was no trace? Then who's to think that she didn't escape?" That was just a wish that Heshima always had, that Simba escaped since there was no trace of him. Funny how the cousins would have found sanctuary in the same place, without even knowing it.

"How do I know? Because they never died at birth," This was top secret information that only four creatures knew in the Pridelands. "I never wanted your brothers, I gave them cruel names upon birth and sent them to go live in the Shadowlands. The hyenas told me that they were alive, unfortunately, and they keep telling me that every time I look at them," Heshima would have no idea that she would meet the first born of her sons on the day that she would lose her first born child, but she also would have no idea that these two cubs could come back to haunt her in the end. But when Tasa stated that she had no brothers, Heshima placed her paw on her daughter's chin and lifted her head up, giving her a stern look. "Kifu, is your brother. He'll never be king, I'm turning him against Scar. You want to know why I care so much for him Tasa? Because he was the runt of the litter, and you were all born prematurely. Kifu was extra small, I didn't want him to have the same fate as your uncle Kishindo," Heshima removed her paw from her daughter's maw and shook her head, "I also was stupid then, playing your father's game. But never mind that, you have only one brother, your litter mate. Accept that Tasa, it might come back to haunt you later if you don't," Kifu would always hold a special place in Heshima's heart, mainly because he was her only son -that she cared for- and he reminded her so much what she wished her brother would have become.

The cub seemed to be taken aback by what her mother had said, on how she was the favorite child. She had asked why, but soon accused her mother of lying to her. Heshima chuckled and shook her head, "Lie to you is something I will never do again Tasa, but that was no lie. You are my favorite, because I see not only your grandfather in you, but myself. For some reason, I see a scared little cub behind your trouble-making attitude and for that I see myself," Heshima didn't wish to indulge on the topic and so let it rest. She quickly switched the subject and smiled slightly, "Now, do you wish to hear my story? You'll know why I'm apologizing,"